The winner gets $100 a year for one million years.

"You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Slot Machines rearranged is:
Cash Lost in 'em.

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee
- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
-  I took a five minute shower
- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up
- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row
- I entered through the fifth admissions gate
- I bought five programs
- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race
- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single (of course). One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this."
The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?"
The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate".

The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit.
Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.
As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering.
She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at the horse race."

An accountant was walking along in the country when he came upon a shepherd. The accountant says,
"Listen, Farmer, I can guess how many sheep you have."
The farmer starts to laugh:
"I have a lot of sheep. You'll never guess how many."

"Do you want to make a bet?" asks the accountant. "If I can guess how many sheep you have, you'll give me one of your sheep. If I can't, I'll pay you $100."
The shepherd concedes: "Ok, how many there are?"
"You have exactly 1,354 sheep," says the accountant.
The shepherd is shocked: "Incredible! I really do have 1,354 sheep! Well, a bet's a bet. Choose the sheep you want."
"OK, I'll take this one," says the accountant, picking it up.
Wait for a moment, sir," says the shepherd. "Let's make another bet: If I guess your job, you will give me back my sheep, and if I don't, you can take another one." The accountant agrees to the bet and the shepherd
says, "You are an accountant."
"Unbelievable! That's true! But how did you know?" wonders the accountant.
"Give me back my dog, and I'll explain."

Little Johnnie had just turned six and much to his parents' chagrin, had never spoken. Johnnie's Grandpa, a well-known local poker player, was sympathetic to Johnnie's plight, and would take Johnnie with him whenever possible. One regular bonding between grandpa and grandson was at the Elks Club Saturday night 10-20 hold'em game. Johnnie would sit on grandpa's lap and faithfully watch as grandpa regularly cleaned out the town council members, local attorney's and judges.

Alas, one Saturday night, grandpa seemed to be missing every flop, and was on the verge of tilt for the first time ever. Near the end of the evening in a capped pot, with grandpa on the button, he looked at his cards only to see 2-7 off. Furious at his run of bad luck, grandpa splashed the pot with a call.

Johnnie looked up at his grandpa and said, "You shouldn't have called that bet, papa."

Grandpa was stunned. "Johnnie, you're six years old, and these are the first words you've ever spoken!"

Johnnie looked at grandpa and said, "Well, up till now, you've been playing just fine."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

With gamblers, they say a fool and his money are soon parted.  What I want to know is how did the fool and his money get together in the first place?

A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you L50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... 

"W I N A B A G E L"

So Roy said "I'll give you $2000 to get you ahead, but on one condition, that you promise not to use the money for gambling." 

 "Oh, of course not." Buckshot replied, "I have money put away for that."

A beautiful woman walks into a poker room and sits down to play. After a long silence one of the guys at the table says: "Have I seen you here before, you look familiar?" 

The woman says: " Probably, I have heard that before."

One day Little Babbit walks in on his parents having sex. “What are you doing?” asks Little Babbit.
“We’re playing poker and your mom’s the wild card,” replies his father.
So Little Babbit walks out and goes into his sister’s room and sees his sister and her boyfriend having sex. “What are you doing?” asks Little Babbit.
“We’re playing poker and he’s the wild card,” replies his sister.
So Little Babbit walks out and goes into his own room. Later, Little Babbit’s father walks in. “What are you doing?” his father shouts.
Little Babbit replies, “I'm playing poker!”
“But where’s your wild card?” his father asks.
“With a hand like this, who needs a wild card?”

A guy walks in to a bar bragging that he can sit eyes closed with his back facing the bar, and name what kind and how old any beer or wine is that you give him, only by taste and smell. 
A wino who had been sitting there awhile heard the man and thought to himself, 'this would be an easy way to win some money. So he goes over to him and says, 'I bet you that I can give you a drink that you can't name.'
'You're on, ' replied the bragger, 'as long as you pay.' 'Deal! 'So the wino puts the first drink on the table. The guy closes his eyes picks up the drink and takes a sip and smells it thinks for a while and says, 'imported white wine 3 years old.'
Stunned the wino pays for another drink and puts it on the table, the man picks it up sips it and smells then replies, 'Jack Daniels 2 years old.' Stunned once more the wino realizes that he is about to lose all he has so he gets a glass and pisses in it and gives it to the guy.
Again the guy picks up the glass and sips it, gags and spits it out. 'This tastes like piss!', the man says.' 'Yeah', says the wino, 'now guess how old I am!'

William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, "William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude."
"Mildred, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.
"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?" She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.
"So, I see you're interested after all," she said.
William asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
William was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Candie laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said William, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. "I just can't believe it."
William said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

Answer:  The Texas Lotto

Answer: Go there with a large one.

A professional poker player goes into the hospital for some routine tests. An older nurse walks in and they strike up a conversation about poker. While talking she lets him know that she has to shave him down below for the test, and that it is just part of the testing procedures. He agrees, so she starts shaving when she notices a tattoo that says the word   " R U S H "  in a interesting place.

           Later she tells her co-worker, a young attractive voluptuous brunette, about the tattoo. The younger nurse is a big fan of poker so she proceeds to explain what the word "RUSH" means in the poker world. After explaining the younger nurse decides that she wants to see this tattoo for herself. She enters the poker players room and tells him that she has some "follow up" work to do and that it will only take a second. She bends over with her voluptuous cleavage showing and fiddles around looking for the tattoo. Afterwards the younger nurse goes back to the older nurse and says, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The guy I saw was a poker player also, but his tattoo said

'R O Y A L   F L U S H'."

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.